It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
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