She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Pants are for mortals
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Randomize
