Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
do herpes really smell.
The beer is more important than you right now.
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
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