My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
