did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
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