wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
Randomize
