Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Randomize
