So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
