worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
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