Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
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