just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
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