and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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