I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
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