Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
That's how pantless uber rides happen
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Randomize
