I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
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