I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
