I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
