My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I've come to the conclusion, I should prob have at least 20 hr supervision. I would say 24, but I'm guaranteed to pass out for at least 4 hrs a day
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Randomize
