anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
