im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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