I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
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I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
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threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
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