You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Randomize
