how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Randomize
