We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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