well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
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