I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
Randomize
