I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
