at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
