I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Randomize
