Swine flu is the new snow day.
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
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