Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
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