piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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