tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
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Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
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I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
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