Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
