I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
okay I'm thinking he doens't have a facebook...I'm on page 28 of Hunters
ok you need to stop NOW
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
