I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
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