I wish my penis had an off switch
How do i ask the guy i made out with for 4 hours if he is gay? He keeps telling me i'm so adorable and that he had a ''blasty''
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Randomize
