Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
my phone needs a breathalizer
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Randomize
