You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Randomize
