I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
Randomize
