Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
