I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
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