like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
