based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
