i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Randomize
