When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
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