Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
