My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
i believe in u and ur pee
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
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