my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
