Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
