Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
