I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
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