everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
Randomize
