Having a random hookup so left but love u
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
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