I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Can Purell be used as lube?
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
