She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
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