it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
Randomize
