There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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