so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
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Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
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I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize